Why is it so hard letting go...
Bubbles has been by my side for over 9 years now. She has been through everything with me. As a kitten, Bubbles lived with her sister, Moomoo, and a parade of my former housemates' pets: 3 pitbulls, 2 albino pythons, and 1 akita/rottweiler mix, a giant of dogs. Fearless was Bubbles among myriads of animals in the house.
Always ready for an adventure, Bubbles would run sideways on closet walls, matrix style, to catch insects. She would follow any visiting dogs around like a guard dog ready to pounce if any sudden, wrong move on their part. She was our insect exterminator; she was ready to defend us from home invaders.
When Bubbles was 1 years old, I came home one day to find half body of a lizard lying on the kitchen floor. Mind you, it was a big lizard, just its lower body including the tail was about 3.5 inches long. "Good job," I praised Bubbles and searched around for the missing half of the lizard, head and all, but could not, for the life of me, find it. The next morning getting ready for work, I sat down to put my shoes on and as soon as I put my right foot in the shoe, I felt something hard touch my big toe. I immediately knew then where the missing part of the lizard diappeared to. I yelled so loud and ran around the living room, hopping on one foot, shaking off the touch of the dead lizard from my foot. As I said, Bubbles was our protector. She made sure we were safe from this lizard invader and at the same time, gave me a present to show off her hunting skills.
Bubbles was Queen of our home. She was in charge of the other kitties. We could never make her do anything and if we berated her, she would give a sort of meow to say, "You can't tell me what to do! I am my own cat!"
God, I miss her, the real Bubbles, not this ghost of her I see every day now. When is it time to let her go? When is it alright to say, "Hey, I have done all I can do. Now, it's time for me to let you go." Caring for Bubbles on her last days of struggle with feline lymphoma, I constantly think of Christine. Christine, my grandmother, stood by and took care of Granddad in his last weeks of battling cancer 10 years ago. How unbelievable difficult it may be been for Christine to see her husband dwindle away to nothing but a shell of human, knowing she can't do anything but be that light of warmth, of comfort to ease his passing.
I draw my comfort in knowing that Bubbles was loved. Bubbles had a wonderful family and a good feline life in this lifetime. And maybe, just maybe, I will see her again and I hold onto that hope with hope. Good bye, Bubbles, for now.
that's great that you are writing your sadness. I didn't know bubbles very well, but I know what it's like to lose your cat. I hope your other cats aren't getting too depressed now that Bubbles is gone too.
ReplyDeleteyou are such a beautiful, strong woman, hyejin. i had a lovely time reading and reminiscing along side you for the last couple of minutes.
ReplyDeletethe story about the lizard cracked me up.
i think what makes dealing with a pet's death so much different/almost harder than dealing with a human's death is the fact that our pets can't talk to us. they can't really tell us what's going on, how they really feel... we can only take what they present to us in their eyes and as tiny gestures as true communication when it comes down to it.
bubbles was very lucky - to have such loving family, so many friends to play with and such a lovely home to rest and play exterminator in ;)
you don't have to let go yet, hyejin. certainly don't force it. let these feelings come and let them pass on their own. i love you, if you need to talk feel free to call me. <3
stay strong hyejin <3
ReplyDeletecats are wonderful and become such loving parts of our lives. RIP bubbles
xoxo.m